Hilarious Mississippi single mom, Amelia Killcreas, shares the start of her New Year's resolutions with My Scoop. Much like you, she will continue to add to the list throughout the month. Then, in February, will forget all about them. Read what she has to say below.
So it’s a new year. Apparently, that means I’m supposed to set goals and tell people about them. Thank God no one ever asks at the end of the year whether or not I actually followed through with my resolutions. I suspect this lack of concern in December is caused by the fact that I am generally too busy shoving saturated fat, refined flour, and corn syrup into my mouth to answer anyway.
These are The Single Mama’s Resolutions for 2010. They’re mine. But you should feel free to steal them.
I will continue to keep my kid’s expectations low. A week or two ago, I told my 3-year-old that I had the day off work. I asked her if there was anything fun she wanted to do. She got an excited glint in her eye and said, “YES! Let’s go to the grocery store! Maybe even the PIGGLY WIGGLY!” Because who needs Disney World when we’ve got the dairy aisle?
I will accept the fact that there will be days when I feel like I am 5000 years old. I have no idea what you want me to do if you tell me to “drop it like it’s hot.” To me, that just sounds like I need a potholder. I do, however, know exactly how to “walk like an Egyptian.” And really? I’m ok with that.
I will return compliments graciously. When another mom discovers I am a single mama and says, “You must be Superwoman!” I will not respond truthfully and tell her I actually have a lot of really fabulous help. Instead, I will say, “Yep, and I’ve got X-ray vision.” I will then give her a once-over, wink, and add, “Lookin’ goooood, by the way.” I figure, one good turn deserves another.
I will not assume that my daughter has any idea what I am talking about. Ever. For at least a year now, I have routinely told her rules and then asked, “Do you understand my words?” She always says she does. A couple weeks ago, she said, “Yes,” but then added, “Mama? What does ‘understand’ mean?” I guess she is preparing me for her teenage years, when she will not only fail to get what I am saying but will also cease to hear me altogether.
I will cook real food. When I taught school, I often burned a sugar cookie-scented candle on my desk. I could tell whose parents cooked and whose parents didn’t because some students would say, “Mmm…smells like cookies!” and some would say, “Mmm…smells like Rice Krispies Treats!” Yesterday my daughter caught a whiff of something vanilla scented and immediately said, “Oooh. I want a Rice Krispies Treat.” This does not bode well for me. At all.
I will write down and stick to a budget. Note to self: “sticking to a budget” does not mean buying one in every color because they are 50% off. It also does not mean keeping a list of websites bookmarked because they frequently sell cute shoes at a discount. It also does not mean purchasing toys, tucking them away to use as gifts later, and then forgetting about them until the potential recipient has started college. Sidenote to self: figure out what “sticking to a budget” actually does mean.
I will maintain high standards for my social life. That is, at least once per month, I will consume food or drink at a place that does not provide small, made-in-China toys with certain meals. A place where the customers do not order by number. Heck, maybe even a place classy enough that the customers are called patrons. While there, I will not attempt to coerce my companions to eat, bring a cheese stick for them “just in case” or ask them if they “need to go potty.” I may even do these things in the company of a real, live, flesh-and-bones, single man...one who has a respectable number of teeth and the courtesy to keep most of his naked-lady tattoos covered during dinner. But I make no promises about that last part.
I will make some attempt to dress stylishly. For me, this does not mean wearing a dress that is so short it ought to be sold with matching panties. Believe me, the world should thank me for my self-restraint. No, my standards are lower than that...much, much lower. Repeat after me: “Amelia, you will not wear a cable-knit sweater to a club.” There. Thanks. The world is safer because you cared.
On a related note, I will clean out my closet. If I am involved in some sort of accident and have to send a friend or family member to my home to pack me an overnight bag, I do not want them to return with a pair of white hot pants, hemp sandals, a sparkly beret, and a slap bracelet.
I feel obligated to write a tenth resolution because somehow that feels balanced and organized. But actually, balance and organization are going to have to wait until 2011. Maybe. We’ll see. You can ask me again over appetizers next Christmas. I’ll be the one by the cheese dip.
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